Letting Go Of Perfection: How To Embrace Authenticity In Relationships
Do you ever feel that your self-worth is contingent on your accomplishments? If so, you might be dealing with perfectionism. Although it’s not an “official” mental health disorder, it certainly acts like one. Perfectionism blurs the line between admirable ambition and self-imposed, unrealistic standards. While it is most often about seeking acceptance and love, perfectionism can push those needs aside because nothing is ever good enough.
Obviously, such a mindset will impact your life. It will also affect the people around you — especially your partner. Therefore, perfectionism must be addressed so you can move toward more authenticity in your relationship.
What Causes Perfectionism?
Of course, every person is different. That said, there are common threads we can consider and explore, e.g.:
It can be connected to a pre-existing mental health disorder like anxiety
Growing up in a family that imposed unfair expectations
Having highly critical parents
Cultural expectations
Enduring a traumatic experience like bullying
Only receiving positive feedback when you “succeed” in ways approved by others
When factors like this are present, you can internalize them and become the new voice you hear in your head.
How Does Perfectionism Impact A Relationship?
Low Self-Esteem: The fear of being judged, combined with an inability to feel good about our accomplishments, lowers self-esteem. You become your own worst critic. In turn, this lack of confidence influences so many of the day-to-day moments and interactions that comprise a relationship.
Defensiveness: Even the most loving, constructive input from your partner sounds like criticism to you. It’s not hard to imagine how such a dynamic hampers closeness.
Procrastination: Anyone who fears failure is likely to avoid trying anything new. They even put off basic tasks. Your partner, unless aware of how perfectionism works, may see this as a blend of tedious and unreliable.
Controlling Behaviors: In your mind, there are only two possible outcomes: perfection or failure. To soothe this dichotomy, the perfectionist strives mightily for control. Part of this choice can include the imposition of unrealistic expectations on your partner. From there, your interactions can be colored by guilt, shame, resentment, and fear.
How to Embrace Authenticity in Relationships
A powerful antidote to the problems listed above is authenticity. Perfectionists actively hide so much of themselves that they are not judged. Meanwhile, vulnerability is like glue when it comes to romantic bonds. What steps can be taken to bridge this chasm?
Self-Awareness
It begins with a willingness to accept what is happening. A perfectionist can be the last person to own up to a fault but taking this step with your partner can provide breakthroughs.
Communication
To open up about your desire to resolve perfectionist tendencies, you’ll need to open the lines of communication. Trust your partner to hear and validate your feelings. Make this an ongoing conversation.
Try Something New Together
Make mistakes as a team in the name of learning. Little by little, you can increase your tolerance for not “being good” at something.
Power Down Your Devices
Social media is a false world. People carefully curate their profiles to present the illusion of perfection. So, take regular tech breaks together to experience some reality.
Choose Meaning Over Perfection
Anything can be a success if you set the parameters. If your goal is to do something meaningful, it’s not about doing it “right.” Shift the focus as a couple to seeking out experiences that enrich your lives.
Get Comfortable Asking For Help
Both perfectionism and relationship issues can be more effectively managed and addressed with the support of a therapist. There’s no “perfect” approach, but having a professional guide could help. Reach out today to schedule a consultation to discuss therapy for young adults.
