How To Manage Tantrums Using “Active Ignoring”

Parents often feel compelled to react when their child is throwing a tantrum. Common parent responses include offering comfort and giving in to demands. It feels natural to pay attention to your child when they are upset; however, paying attention during a tantrum actually reinforces this behavior. Many parents find themselves stuck in a vicious cycle with tantrums escalating in intensity and frequency over time despite their best efforts.

Although it seems counterintuitive, active ignoring is one of the most effective techniques for reducing and even eliminating tantrums. Below are steps to implement active ignoring and common questions when active ignoring doesn’t work.

The Steps For Active Ignoring

Prepare your child

Give your child a heads up that you’ll be trying something new and that involves ignoring their tantrums and misbehaviors. Keep the explanation simple.

Ignore

When the tantrum (or any unwanted negative behavior) occurs by looking at something else, looking the other way, or engaging in an activity that makes it easy for you to ignore. Unbeknownst to your child, you’re actively monitoring and ready to give attention as soon as the tantrum ends

Don’t Over Explain

Resist the temptation to over-explain, scold, engage in arguments/negotiations, or talk with your child. Most parents feel they have to explain why they’re ignoring them while they’re throwing a tantrum or misbehaving. Set yourself and your child up for success by explaining this beforehand.

Appear Neutral

Whenever possible, maintain a neutral tone and facial expression so that you don’t appear angry or upset (even if you feel that way inside). It may be easier to hide your reaction by distracting yourself with your phone or a book. You can leave the room for a bit if you need to calm down “behind the scenes.”

Watch Like A Hawk

Remember the active part of active ignoring. For it to work, you have to catch the positive behaviors and ignore the negative ones. Turn your attention back on your child as soon as the tantrum or maladaptive behavior stops. Make your attention obvious and explicit by looking at your child, praising them, and talking to them. If the behavior starts again, return to ignoring.

Hang In There

It takes some courage and faith to hang in there if things initially get worse. The behavior often gets worse before it gets better. This process is known as an “extinction burst” by behavior specialists. The extinction burst is a sign that things are going as anticipated and active ignoring is starting to take effect. Children often scream louder and try harder to get your attention before they finally give up. This is the time to stay cool and strong. You’ve already come this far and giving in now will only strengthen the tantrum and other behavior problems.

What If Active Ignoring Isn’t Working?

Implementing behavioral strategies like active ignoring is technical and there are several reasons active ignoring may not work. Here are a few common concerns:

The problem gets worse instead of better

Make sure you’re ignoring the behavior the entire time. The problem can worsen if you ignore only part of the time and then give in or become angry after a while Once you decide to engage in active ignoring, you have to go all the way; otherwise, your earlier efforts will be nullified. Active ignoring is hard work, but nothing worthwhile comes easy.

My child cries when I ignore them

Crying is another behavior you can actively ignore, as long as your child doesn’t do anything dangerous or harmful to themselves or others. If the crying becomes too loud or disruptive, consider moving them to another room. Have patience and remember that the crying will eventually stop. Some parents feel guilty about ignoring them or worry ignoring will “damage” their child. Your child is resilient and being ignored during a tantrum will not harm them.

My child becomes aggressive

if your child becomes physically aggressive or destructive, active ignoring may not be enough and it may be time to consider other tools like “time out.”

If you’re a parent who is struggling to manage your child’s tantrums and behavior problems, parenting coaching can help by teaching you strategies for managing challenging behaviors. Reach out if you have questions or would like to set up a consultation.