9 Tips to Get Your Child to Listen (The First Time They’re Told)

It can be beyond exhausting to feel like a broken record when things need to get done and your child refuses to listen or does not seem to hear your instructions. Getting your child to comply is exponentially more challenging when they are younger, neurodivergent, or have a tendency to be strong-willed.

Here are 9 proven strategies for parents to give effective commands and get their children to listen.

Describe the command precisely

State exactly what you’d like your child to do and specify when the behavior should be completed by. Tell your child what to do (stated positively, such as “use your indoor voice”) instead of what not to do (e.g., “don’t shout”).

State the instructions positively

If the instruction includes a few actionable items, list all items. For example, “Clean your room” is better stated as “Please get ready for bed now, which means I’d like you to put on your pajamas, go to the bathroom, and brush your teeth.”

Keep the instructions short and simple

Avoid giving multi-step directions instructions that are long and too vague. Parents usually give their children several directives at once. When the child remembers only the first one or two, it can be frustrating for the child and parent. For younger children, break the requested behavior down into manageable parts. Instead of providing a vague directive that includes multiple tasks like cleaning their room, give your child one task to complete (e.g., pick up their toys) before providing the next directive (e.g., make your bed). It is especially important to keep instructions simple and clear for younger children and neurodivergent children, including those with ADHD and on the autism spectrum.

Be clear

Many parents start their command with “let’s” even when they don’t plan to help their child complete the task. For example, parents may say “let’s clean your room” and walk away, which can be confusing for a child expecting their parents to stay and help them clean.

Have your child’s attention

A common mistake parents make is assuming their child is listening and giving commands when their child is distracted or focused on something like a video game. Make sure your child is paying attention before giving instructions by reducing environmental distractions, asking your child to pause their activity, and maintaining eye contact. If you need to confirm your child heard and understood the instruction, ask them to repeat it.

Use positive reinforcement

To ensure that your child is motivated to comply with your commands now and in the future, positive reinforcement in the form of specific praise (e.g., “great job cleaning your room” instead of just “great job”) and rewards can help further motivate. It is worthwhile to mention that rewards don’t have to cost anything and can be special privileges like extra screen time, visiting a new park, staying up later on a weekend, or choosing a movie or dessert after dinner. Remember, the more you pay attention to a specific behavior, the more likely you will see your child engage in those behaviors in the future.

Avoid repeating instructions

When children know their parents will repeat an instruction multiple times, they will often stall and wait until their parent has repeated the instruction. Provide your child about a minute to comply with your directive before you repeat it, just once. A general guideline is to give clear instructions, wait 5-15 seconds and if needed repeat the instruction as a verbal warning. Provide specific praise (e.g., “thank you for listening”) and/or reward for compliance and negative consequence such as removal of privilege for non-compliance.

Choose your commands wisely

Children are given directives from adults all day long. Select the commands you give wisely and make them optional when they can be (e.g., “would you like to hold my hand?”) versus mandatory (e.g., “hold my hand before we cross the street”). The instructions you give should be ones you’re willing to enforce with consequences like the loss of privileges or time out if your child does not comply.

Avoid making it a question or suggestion

Parents often present the directive as a request or suggestion in their wording and tone. If you want your child to perform the specific behavior, make you avoid giving them the chance to answer a “question” or “suggestion” with a “no” response. Remember, phrasing it like a question or suggestion implies your request is optional.

What to do next

Getting your child to listen is a challenging task for many parents and getting routine tasks completed often feels like pulling teeth. If you’re tired of engaging in daily battles and would like to develop effective parenting strategies or enhance your current skills, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I provide parenting counseling and consultation to help you reach solutions and make your everyday life easier.