Parental Grief When Your Child Has A Disability

When your child has a disability, you want to do everything in your power to make life as fulfilling as possible for them. You want to make sure they aren’t held back or discriminated against. You want to help them feel as equal as possible to their peers. 

But there’s a lot that goes on emotionally when you’re the parent of a child with a disability. Though you might often hide your feelings under the surface, it’s understandable to sometimes feel frustration, fear, sadness, and even grief. 

Grief is more than just something that occurs after the death of a loved one. It can happen due to any type of loss. When you feel like your child’s disability has robbed them of a “normal” childhood, it’s easy to get stuck on that idea of loss. 

So, how can you deal with that kind of parental grief? 

Fantasy vs. Reality

One reason why grief can feel so strong when your child has a disability is because you undoubtedly had plans for them before they were born. Almost every parent fantasizes about how it will be to raise their children. What sports will they play? What hobbies will they be into? Will they become a famous musician?

You might even project those thoughts and fantasies into the future and think about your child’s life as an adult. 

When your child is born with a disability, it can feel as though those fantasies and expectations disappear. It’s the first “loss” you really experience with a situation like this. Your dreams for your child probably look very different now, and while you still want to make sure they live out the dreams they want for themselves, it can sometimes be difficult to cope with the loss of those fun and hopeful fantasies. 

Grief Comes in Waves

You probably won’t feel overwhelming sadness or frustration every day when it comes to your child’s disability. Some days, you might be extremely happy and proud when you see how well they are doing or what they are overcoming.

On other days, it might be hard to see anything but their disability or how it could be holding them back from living a relatively normal life. It’s understandable, then, that your grief will come and go in waves.

Don’t beat yourself up on the days when you’re struggling with that grief. Having those emotions and wanting what’s best for your child is normal. Acknowledge your feelings rather than trying to ignore them.

Grief doesn’t mean you don’t love your child for exactly who they are. It doesn’t mean that you wish things were different. Grief doesn’t make you a bad parent, and it’s not something you should feel guilty about. 

Showing Yourself Compassion

One of the best things you can do if you’re dealing with parental grief is to be self-compassionate. How would you treat a loved one who was struggling with any grief? You would show them care, kindness, and tenderness.

There is no reason you shouldn’t treat yourself with the same compassion.

Additionally, you can’t care for your child the way you might want to if you do not care for yourself first. Try things like mindfulness, meditation, and journaling to process your grief and continue to work through the stages. Understand that grief isn’t linear and might sometimes feel like you’re going backward.

If you’re really struggling and can’t seem to get past the grief or the guilt it’s causing, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. Parent counseling is a wonderful way to better process grief and learn the skills necessary to get through it. Don’t let your parental grief keep you from living a full life with your child.